2 years 4 months 23 days.

"I suka berangan pasal kita" reassured me every time it was said.

I couldn't read anything else without wondering how it could end this way again.
"8 months down, forever to go."

Go back to the day he asked if I didn't trust him and I stayed silent. Thing is I did, I always have regardless of the amount of times it would disappoint. I didn't trust me I said. I had teared up trying to explain as he held me close and said he loves me. I just thought I didn't want to do it, so I wouldn't ruin it. I wouldn't ruin him. It wasn't him, it's me I'm afraid of. God knows how much I love him. Go back to when I was able to make him happy. It's amazing isn't it how special you can feel by how someone longs your presence. Everything anyone ever said of him I ignored, I took in the good, I have the best. Every promise I made was reflected on before it was said. Every word I've ever said I meant.

I'm not exactly mad at him in any way. Like the haze, with me he can't quite see ahead. Or that even with his goals set, I have him anchored down to where he doesn't want to be because either he doesn't want to leave or somehow I won't let him. Clingy and obsessed, sometimes a bit psycho but I wouldn't put a limit to anyone's dream. Do what you do go do you, just remember what's important to you, what really matters at the end of the day, who's waiting at the back of the door. Even if I wanted to I wouldn't try discourage him. I know who and what's first in priority lane. I understand the responsibilities, I just thought I'd be a part of it. All the way through. I don't ask for every second of the day even if I've mentioned it. I'd be happy people even remember. After all that we've been through and I got through for us, for him, I hate to think he grew out of me. 

Maybe 4 years from now, I'd still be the one for him. Or he'd come around earlier. I'm starting to think as much as it were true, it became a lie at one point. You know when you love someone too much but is unable to do anything about it, it leaves you distress enough that you lay in bed all day, lose sleep each night, thinking about it takes away your appetite. I don't do that anymore, I've come to reach that phase where I feel nothing again. There was once a time where he thought I didn't care anymore or that I changed. I never did, it was him. I don't blame him though. Things happen. I never cared less about him, I just want to keep him happy. I don't expect for any drastic changes coming from him still, I'm fully aware of where I stand.

Still I love him with every piece of myself that I have left whether or not he is flawed or wronged. That I am still in love with him the way I was, how I always have been. That it's okay if he isn't.

We promised- but who knows, maybe one day? I'm kind of tired of talking about him, knowing my name no longer slides out of his mouth ever since the last time he saw me. I'm exhausted from thinking about him, the way I used to; making sense of the situation without putting any blame on him or too much on myself. Convincing myself it's just the circumstances we're in that it isn't what it looks like. Thing is, I wouldn't know if it's exactly how it looks like. If everything is as it is. That there's no hidden message no signs, that everything's burned down.

I stop thinking of the kind of person he needs or the kind of person I know I could be for him. I'm not going to plead or make a fool out of myself trying as if my anxieties aren't real. I'm not going to imagine him coming back for me. I'm sort of done with that. As if he doesn't already know how I feel about him or how much we mean to me. That he has always known where to find me so he could always find me. It's not like he doesn't know he's the only one I've got left and wish to still have. You have no idea how much pride it takes to swallow to be so desperate. Whatever he wants in life he would go through hell to get, though I've come to terms that I'm just the journey, not the destination. It's alright. I guess.

I harap you okay, in every way.
I sayang you.

-riri-